ive got a full schedule booked for the next week. and although some of the stuff i am looking forward to, the other is bluk. tomorrow is the ftc meeting at dennys. ew. and i have a chiropractor appointment too. friday i go to work, saturday i have the ftc yardsale and work then sunday work and monday-thursday im sailing which is gonna be really cool. so busy week. very. im putting a lot of money in the bank which is nice. really nice. but i need things to slow down. july is like half over and i havent even had fun this summer. i feel like its all been one long continuous weekend and ive been working the whole time. its terrible. but hopefully ill get to see some people soon. i havent even got freaking tan. im always gorgeously tan in the summer. well not this year. its very upsetting. i love being tan. but anyway, i plan to change that. plus i havent read any books this summer and that is horrible in itself. ive read more in one weekend before. so summer is over. it really is. and i hated it. this is the end of everything and the beginning of hell. let me welcome you.

so here it is: my CBF trip is canceled. believe me when i say i am devastated. devastated, mad, dissapointed. overall, im just pissed. all year long i looked forward to this trip. it is my passion. i loved last year with so much of myself that i feel like… like im dreaming. im dreaming about this. or that CBF will send another email saying ‘just joking! the trip is still on!’ i still keep thinking about it. ill be doing something and then itll remind me of last year trip and i think i cant wait for this year. but the dissapoinment that follows never fails. always always it follows. other people might be sad & mad too, but its not even just that. its all the pain that i am feeling over losing this. unbearable. and im not even in it for the fun.

its fifth of july. my favorite holiday over. a whole nother year to wait. a whole until i feel it. the happiness. that happiness that comes from my favorite holiday. its better than christmas, its been beating my birthday. i love it. i honestly do. i came to rh wednesday, stayed and enjoyed every minute of it until friday night. friday night is fireworks time here and my favorite thing all year. after my trip got canceled i was thinking that things might, just maybe, be getting turned around. but can i catch a break? no. it was windy so they had to low key the fireworks and then they ended after a half an hour. i was pissed. half an hour is nothing. thats how long other people do fireworks. not rock hall. and i missed the finale. my favorite F***ING part of the whole year. and i missed it. why? because a group of harley motorcycles pulled in and just had to, had to they really did, show off. all year i wait to feel it. when its so loud you feel it. you can actually hear it in your heart. i can. but not this year. no. this year i couldnt feel, let alone hear it. i was so infuriated i almost couldnt hold back the tears. almost. and because i had to be to work at 8am i had to leave rh that night. talk about devastation. there were only like 6000 or so, only, in town for the fireworks so my mom and i finally made it out of town at 11:18. and i missed 11:11. 7:30 came entirely too early the next morning and then all day i worked at J&H then night at dairy creme. perfect. when i finally got home, and i have never ever been home on the fourth of july, i couldnt even just sit. people apparently think its cool to set off their own fireworks. i hate those people. so unnecsary. leave it to the professionals. the  most annoying thing… besides harleys of course. sunday 7:30 rolled around again and i was at work, just like i never left. but here i am, back in rh. after telling my mom i needed to come back she took one look at me, saw how bad i looked and next thing i knew my dad was picking me up at the half way point. here i am. just me. the only one on the beach tonight. of course it is cold. for july at least. but here i am. telling my story and yet it doesnt even touch how awful i feel.

this week has been a really hard week. so long, so much happening, so much over. so j’s grad party is over. it was really good. stressful, but good. before that, i was in rh last week. until tuesday when i came up and babysat kb’s little brother chris since the rest of her family was camping. it was so weird to be in her house without her… but then was wednesday and i worked, i think. yeah, work wednesday, thursday & friday were hell trying to get everything together for this party. no one in my family was talking to each other for like three days. haha. saturday i was sposed to work but i didnt. it was canal day and ms. helen was a little upset with me, but i had mentioned it last week so i dont really care too much. at the party we rented a moonbounce, which was awesome! it didnt get used much during the actual party but afterward it was so fun. j was beign all secluded with melissa which wasnt fair because i had been hanging out with her all day and then he came along… but anyway, j wasnt even there. so me and all his friends were jumping on it and then they like broke it but me and ke fixed it and then we packed it up and took it to my house since we had the party at hollywood beach. we set it up in the front yard and then i will never forget, vp looked up right as we were about to get in and jump around and said “oh my god! we are so jumping off the balcany!” it was the funniest thing. but anyway, so we went upstairs and were on the balcany. me, ke, and vp were on the balcany, j and  melissa were standing just inside, and we were all debating who was gonna jump and how and we were all scared but wouldnt really admit it. then ke and vp were both gonna jump until vp was like “is that safe? wouldnt that be worse?” and then we were all turned around about to discuss who was really gonna go when ke just jumped. it was insane. but he said that was awesome! and right away vp jumped. the js jumped and then ke and vp some more, then melissa, then me, but j wouldnt do it. he is so afraid of heights, he was shaking and freaking out when he was standing on the chair about to go. so he didnt jump. then my mom came out and jumped. j left and took melissa home so i was left alone with j’s friends- ke, vp, bb, and js. haha. what a joke. but we jumped on the moon bounce and played some dumb tackle game invented by vp. of course. but we stopped bouncing and were just sitting there when j came home. he just walked right by. he was so mad. but we dont know why. or he was just being gay. either way, it was weird. then we all went inside and watched tv. j fell asleep and then went to his room before midnight so it was just me ke, vp, and js cuz bb left. we stayed up until like almost 4am. ridiculous i know. so i went to bed and then had to get up and go to work. i was sposed to go in at 9 but helen called me and said i shouldve been there at like 8 so i pissed. when i got there, we were busy adn i was in no mood. it was so dumb. but i was only there til 1. i went home and slept for like an hour, then went to work again at dairy creme. we were so f ing busy. it was rididculous. i hate canal day. it puts this whole town in hysterics. sunday night i got home and slept. monday i didnt do anything until 6 when i went to the fh practice thing at the school. that was alright. then i went to kb’s and spent the night. tuesday i came home, hung out and then today i went to the bank to confirm setting up my own debit card! yay. so now i own all of my accounts and i get to take care of it all. its pretty awesome. but my card doesnt come for like another week =( but itll be alright. i cant wait. but im not gonna spend the money jsut cuz its at my finger tips all the time. itll just be cool to have it there! and now im in rh. but only until early early saturday morning when i have to go to work at j&h, then again to work at 5 at dariy creme. mmm, working is so fun! ugh. at least i get paid… what else good would it bring? none, believe me when i say, none.

ahh. the first week of summer. over. well, im off to a pretty good start but i dont really want to keep this up. so out of school on tuesday then wednesday i put money in the bank (woo!) and then went to the post office for a passport application (woo!) and then… i dont remember, but oh well. thursday i went shopping with my mom cuz j’s graduation party is like next weekend and then i went into work at 4. worked 4-9, came home and slept. woke up friday and went into work at j&h from 9-3. got home at 3, exhausted, jumped in the water, swam around, got out showered and crashed. woke up today, went to j&h at 9, worked til 3. then i went to other work at 4-9. geez. my dad picked me up and well, instead of going home, went to zc’s grad party. so i went and sat for a few minutes, almost got thrown in the pool, like almost so much that if i didnt scream, ‘i have my phone on me!!’ i wouldve been in, sat some more and finally finally went home. jc was asking me why i wouldnt go swimming or get up and come hang out with everyone. i wanted to, i really did. but it was nice to sit. so here i am, almost midnight, and i finally am home. tomorrow im going to rh and im staying by myself for 4 days. thats exactly what i need. until i come home wednesday so i can go to work. then off thursday, work ALL day friday and then saturday im sposed to work but i have to take off cuz its j’s grad party and well, i cant miss that. then its work all day sunday and ill see whats next from there… that is, whats from there besides JULY!!

and oh yeah, graduation was insane. so many people, so long, so very much inside. but it was good. i was so excited for it to finally come. i mean, j finally made it. for real. since it was inside i got to see it cuz i had a ticket but i had to sit in the back. it was alright though. j was the first one in his group of names to be called and they called his name and i was so happy. i cant even describe it. unbelievable. but he got half way across the stage and then i started to cry. i couldnt hold back. i honestly forgot what it was like to cry and i did. i was sitting with kr and i kept telling her before it all started that i was gonna cry and then she looked at me when the called his name and i was smiling then all of a sudden she looked back at me and i had tears on my cheeks. i couldnt believe it. but he made it across and they all dried up. no more. so worth it.

4- booty’s number. but booty doesnt have 4. more like 0. 0 because shes done. i will always think of 4 as bootys but im not talking jerseys, im talking days. 0. wow. graudation, tomorrow. ahhh! i dont know what to do- i think i might cry. like im scared cuz i know im gonna cry. school on friday is gonna be the hardest cuz theyll all be gone. all my seniors. gone, done. and then me. im done. not gone, i only wish i was. like finals will be, done. geez. summer may be overrated, but i dont care. i want it to be. i love that first week of excitement and then the boredom from there on out. it only happens two more times in my life. thats scary. so im a junior. yeah, sounds nice…

so im pretty sure i saw this and laughed so hard. i dont know if its just cuz im so freaking tired or whatever, but its funny… i still havent caught up on my sleep. grr. but yeah, another day over. i had to go into work at 5. it wasnt bad. we were pretty busy. and i was and still am really tired cuz i was up entirely too long last night aiming and sh*t. so its late now too, but i think i actually go to sleep. what a concept. and just think, as soon as the weekend is over, school is here and that makes me happy cuz im so excited for graduation on thursday! yay! and then the end of school. but im even more excited to see graduation. its gonna be worth so much to me.

seven. a beautiful number. and yes, that just happens to be how many days til the end of sophomore year! woo. so even though today was crap crap crap, its all right. its all ending soon enough to make me able to bear it. and yesterday was awesome! i got to go with maud and the rest of the french 3 class to a museum in baltimore that was all medievel art and stuff. it was really cool. all of it was so old and fascinating. like i coulda spent days in there. so that was an awesome no school day. then after taking my drivers ed test and getting a 94, yay, im finally done with drivers ed. kb came home wiht me and then we worked on our NHD project for like ever and a half. we got home at 4 and worked until 1 soemhting. yes, 1 am. funnn. so we were all done and we just had to put it together in a circle cuz thats how we were doing our exibit but everything, and i mean everything popped off when we folded it around so we were like slapping tape on it. it looks so bad. then we didnt fall asleep til 2 soemthing and let me tell you, that alarm went off entirely too early this morning. this morning i did get to take my project to show mr hritz because after all, he is the reason for all this objectivist nonsense. and since ive been sleep deprived all week, it really added up today and although nothing bad happened, it just wasnt good. but then i got to kopeks and omg, it was hell. i hate that class. kopek was such a bitch today and didnt feel like helping anyone and we have a final on monday! yeah, gay. but then i just wanted to go home but no, my mom was all ‘im int heparking lot, ill take you home.’ so i went to find her and she had to go talk to mr kline which took forever. and then i was just mad. so i came home just sat on the couch, home alone, and it was the greatest thing. until j came home. and then vp came. and then it was ruined. but it was good while it lasted. now im plannign on catching up on my sleep and partially enjoying my weekend. i gotta sleep off the wedding reception we had at lunch. best of luck to the happy couple

friday was awesome. for the most part. i went to school for first period because i was supposed to have a test, but maud canceled the test on us so after first period, that i went to for no reason, i left school and got to go on the boat with my dad to RH. so we drove down and it was really foggy, but then it got sunny and it was really nice. then i went home for like half an hour and back to maud again. we had our first meeting for fund raising for the french trip cuz get this- im going to france! so awesome! were going next summer and im excited. its gonna be so cool. and then after fantasizing about france for like not long enough, i was off to work. we were busy, but only enough to keep us moving not like freaking out busy. it was good. saturday i woke up and went back to RH. crazy- ive been to RH more the past week and a half than i have for months. but my dad and i hung out down there all day and came home instead of spending the night and it was a good day. sunday… i dont really remember. how sad. but i know i didnt go anywhere important and then i had a way kick ass nap. i love my sleep. so that brings me to monday. yay school! for real, yay school! i want to go to school now. because i know everyday i go, im that much closer to it all being over. finally. it took so long, but went so quick and i dont remember any of it. only 10 days left. and 4 (i think 4) of them are half days and 4 of them are finals, one is graduation day, and the rest are all easy. its worth it to go and get it done. especially because i honestly havent done anything for the past almost 2 weeks anyway. so today flew by.  except drivers ed. but only two more classes of that and then im done. 3 hours a day after school is a really long time. but its winding down: im so glad mr bailey doesnt care. but all this means im rounding the corner to the final stretch of the week. i can see the finish, but will my lazy ass cross? i sure hope so. i cant aford for it not to.

what a vicious never ending cycle i live. i completely exhausted myself this week- not good. tues, wed, thurs was envirothon after school and tues jv lax went to hibachi, then wed i had to work til 9 and then make freakin cupcakes, and thursday i had to go shopping for kb’s b day party. i was so physically done i really could have cried. all day friday was envirothon testing day so i wasnt in school but i had to take test all day. it was actually fun. i mean, yeah they were test but it was mostly on stuff that i like and i was outside all day and for the most part it was all good. as soon as we got back to school it was dismisal so i got to go straight to work but only until 6. yay! saturday i slept in a little and then got up and cleaned and waited for people to show up for kb’s b day party that wasnt even an f****** surprise. and since everyone canceled on me the night before it ended up being me & kb, jr, eg, and lm… yeah, i was so mad. i planned to have this party and it be fun and all of kb’s friends to be there but no. they all just decided that it’s okay to cancel on someone last minute. and i dont really care about all the excuses because there are always always gonna be excuses. so we went swimming and ate a lot, eg left, we had a water balloon fight, ate some more, and then when we were finally all dry we sat down and started watching The Princess Bride, aka- dumb movie. well i could not keep my eyes open so at like 10 i was out but i kept waking up and then falling asleep and then again. but 3am i was almost sleeping again, almost. and then it came. it- the brigade of obnoxiously loud guys. oh yeah, there were only 3. so j came home but vp and ke came with him. so much for all of us sleeping. lm kept sleeping but me and jr were up and kb was up but not off the couch. jr made macaroni because i wasnt gonna make it for them. so we sat in the kitchen talking and then my dad came down and let sadie out and then he went back to bed and then j went to bed but me, jr, vp, and ke stayed up in the kitchen for a while til we moved to the living room where everyone fought for a place to sleep and lm woke up. well there was no way we were gonna make it asleep again. when it started getting light out we were all almost asleep, so close i could see my dream adn then freaking taylor swift came barging in and yanked it out right from underneath me. yeah, vp’s phone ringing. and he didnt even know who it was. i think all of us really wanted to kill him and t swift right then. but ke fell asleep until vp got so mad and got up and woke him up and they went and got breakfast and they brought me back breakfast. mmm. thank you. so then ke fell asleep andwe watched jumpstart while vp was M.I.A. yeah, he was in my room. so ke woke up adn went to work (sucks for him) and i really wanted to sleep so i went to my room, told vp to move over, and crawled in. the second best sleep i have ever had in my life (#1 being the early mornign hours of april 8, 2009. omg wow. so good) until jr came and woke me up. like honestly, that was a d*** move. really. dont wake your bff up if you still want a bff. yeah, so i laid there til she came back up and then i got up because she was just too freaking annoying and vp was getting pissed cuz she was so loud. well lm left a little later and then me and jr jumped in the water, and it was freezing and low tide and it was cold and wet. but i showered and then we jsut loafed around til we took kb and jr home. i had fun. im still gonna be mad that people didnt come but hey, they really missed out.

your birthday is over. way over, but i hope it was the sweet 16.