its practically tuesday. so that means one week. and  counting. but im kind of indefferent to going on break this year. it doesnt really seem to matter to me. christmas is in how many days? like 11? we dont have a tree, i already got like half of my presents, i dont know what were even doing this year. its just that nothing is ever the same. traditions are dead. and i do miss them, but the people who try to hold on to their traditions bother me even more. they wont last forever. your kids grow up, move out, want better things than anything you could ever give them. they want more than gifts. they want their own traditions. they want their own family and they cant have that if theyre still holding onto you. but i do understand traditions. its just that im growing indifferent to it all now. its time to move on. speaking of moving on, so my parents are looking at houses in PA to move to. and well i was going to finish school here. but i dont know. it would be kind of cool to move away. i dont know, but the more i think about it, the more i really want to change things. really, theres not much left here for me. fh went to states. we wont make it back so why am i going to stay around. i dont know, but its all kind of coming together in my head. but whatever, i still have a lot of time to think that whole situation over. who knows what ill do. but yeah, my grades are coming up in school. which is good. very good. and the warriors are looking pretty decent. could this be optimism i sense? no. it couldnt be.

when i get rid of one thing in my life, another one walks in and then the old one seems to want back. but im already booked i wanna say. cuz truth be told, i honestly am. i have too much going on for these games. since the end of field hockey, i have actually gotten to come home a few times. crazy. ive switched from physical therapy to chiropractor, i jumped a whole letter grade in physics, lost a friend, gotten closer to a friend, and well, the other one is still debatable. its been a long month. but it has been a month and still things arent fixed. is that long enough? on another note, i leave for a cruise in 87 days! and im really excited. 2009 is making a wrap up. a hell of a year its been. good or bad? 2009 is still deciding. only 10 more days til my first tournament with the Warriors, the U-12 team i am working on coaching with lm’s mom. there is hope for these girls. but oh my goodness they still got a ways to go. next practice they will be introduced to the whistle. ha ha ha. but still, it doesnt get old when i get to make them run. ahh, its so nice to be the one doing it and not have to do it. does that make sense? but still, i wish i could run. there is hope for this too. ive been going to the chiropractor the past 4 days and i think i feel better. idk if its all in my mind or if it is just that im naturally improving as i normally do, but i am feeling the slightest bit better. im giving it 6 weeks. then to hell with it all and im going for pain management. if i have to ill live on steriod shots until senior year field hockey is over. cuz it kinda really hurt to look in todays paper at the all county selections and not see my name. i had so much and now its all gone. im going to have to work so hard to get it all back. i earned that sophomore year all county title and then it had to go and be ruined. it makes me mad. uncontrolably mad. i would give anything to change it all. well, maybe not all of it. theres things i would keep. god knows theres not too many of them right now though.

it got a little ugly. yeah, 5-1. good work pocomoke. we were outplayed. but i played a great game. how can i be upset. i just wish that it had actually had time to sink in before it was all over. cuz that was once in a lifetime. and its done. all so quick. this was it.

i just gotta say: IM GOING TO FUCKING STATES!!

i couldnt feel… more excited? worse? estatic? nervous? mad? yeah. i guess all that. and more. well we won state semi-finals. and it was everything i wished for. it was played so recklessly. so awful yet perfect. theres so much to feel; is frustration on top.? i dont know. but people thought i was crying because i thought the season was over. i knew it wasnt. i knew it wasnt. and thats why i was crying. i was crying for everything. and it was so hard. like chelsea told me, she was fine until she looked at my face and i was crying. she said she lost it. i was already so far gone. i cant say why i was crying. it wasnt because i was cold and wet. i would take all of that back in a second. i have to keep this for myself. only i can know. i have to be selfish. especially when other people take so much from me. and this is the happiest time in my life. this is my dream. the one thing i love, what im passionate for, is going somewhere. my passion. what are you passionate about?

and ill take camping back. the outcome made me realize somethings. big things in my life that i dont know if they belong where they are. or were. but whatever. i dont even know where im going but i know where ill be on saturday and you wont fuck one moment of it up for me. ill be the one out there: on the field.

you know, im not gonna let you fuck it all up for me. so go ahead and think you can take it all out on a post. i told you. and i guess you are making your own decision. you dont have to be my fucking friend. it seems you dont want to cuz i told you how to fix it and youre still letting it go. i can go too. because this is my time. if you want to be there for me why arent you?

it has been one hell of a weekend. and i wish i could just go back to freaking school already. im tired of being home alone. i just wanna go to school and face reality.

but on a higher note, for the first time in history, bo manor fh won regions. yeah, we beat kent. and now we’re in state semi finals. can you believe it. cuz i sure as hell still cant.

friday kb & sf came over and we went to the football game then went camping. camping is a whole story in itself. i never want to go camping again. it was a disaster. no, a fucking disaster. after sf then kb went home, j went to work adn i was home alone. then i woke up sunday and baked some and well pretty much sat a lot. j came home sometime yesterday but that didnt really last. he came home in the middle of the night and now hes at school so im here alone again. but its cool. i guess i need some time to think. my parents will be home from pa soemtime today adn then at 4 i have practice at sw to watch film then were going up to UD to practice on the turf field since we’ll be playing on turf on wednesday for state semi finals. it just sounds so nice to say it. and although im sure, not to sound cocky or anything…, that ill be playing the whole game wednesday it means bc is still gonna be mad. and ill admit that it totally sucks and i would be really pissed off if someone, especially one of my best friends, did it to me. i was out for basically the whole season adn then playoffs roll around and i feel better and so ive been playing. but if im playing it means bc isnt. and she got to play the whole season and i didnt. but what i dont know if she realizes not to be mean but to be real, if i hadnt of been injured she wouldnt have gotten to play like at all all season. so now that its playoffs im not missing a freaking thing. i dont care if i cant walk the next day. this is it.

i am feeling the best i have felt in a really really long time. i think ive been getting better. and i think its probably because ive been doing my exercises like a million times a day. at least, i hope thats it. cuz its working. and considering i just played a whole field hockey game, yeah i did. and i feel okay. and it was a really good game for me. and we just beat perryville. and so now we are onto kent. it hasnt hit me yet that that was a play off game. but i havent felt this good, or been this happy, or been this okay in a really long time. but alls i can say is that its about damn time. i couldnt take it much more. it was just about my breaking point. i even had a few cracks. and they were ugly cracks that just about ruined me. now i think the cracks are filled, but everything is still inside and i dont want it to come out but im so afraid its going to because im so full of everything. i need to yell and scream and run and cry and sprint and drive and hide and leave. but it doesnt really matter cuz i cant. i have to much to do, too many people watching me. watching my grades. watching as my grades are falling, falling, fallen. they are bad. and it sucks cuz the past two weeks were so hard and i couldnt get anything done and now that its all getting better, the marking period is over and im stuck with these bad grades forever. and im getting mad just thinking about it. theres goes my fucking future. but anyway… its been okay. im fine. just fine.

so the 3 day weekend has been great so far. it feels like sunday but its only saturday and i have a  whole nother day so im happy. but then on monday i have to go to the doctor again. but its serious. so i got my mri last tuesday and the doctor called with my results yesterday. its worse then he thought. so he consulted a special back doctor who immediately sent me to A.I. Dupont which is a really fancy, prestigous hospital where i have to see one of the nations best back surgeons. it doesnt mean im getting back surgery, but i have to find out whats wrong and see what i need to do to get better. my parents are like freaking out cuz our insurance wont pay for me to go to A.I. so i might have to go to an in state hospital which would mean like John Hopkins. thats a good hospital. but its all kinda freaking me out. like this is all happening but has anyone asked me how im doing? am i okay? am i scared? what do I want to do? it is me its all happening to. my life is taking a huge turn and i never thought i would go this way so im planning on being lost. prepare for impact.

i dont even want to talk about any of it. for the past month my life has been falling and falling. not into a wishing well. i took a week off of fh and then i got worse so i had to STOP. and i did and ive been getting worse and now its maybe a disc in my back? they dont really know. but i guess thats what the MRI i had today was for. but yeah, so i practiced yesterday and today and i think i might die. if trainer, nadia, my doctor found out i was practicing they might murder me. but i guess its okay if i cant walk, right? i mean, thats what patti thinks… must be right. oh, and shes pregnant. great. but im fucking miserable. i dont know what else to say. it sucks. and as my life slowly, or actually rather rapidly falls apart, here i am.