it has been one hell of a weekend. and i wish i could just go back to freaking school already. im tired of being home alone. i just wanna go to school and face reality.

but on a higher note, for the first time in history, bo manor fh won regions. yeah, we beat kent. and now we’re in state semi finals. can you believe it. cuz i sure as hell still cant.

friday kb & sf came over and we went to the football game then went camping. camping is a whole story in itself. i never want to go camping again. it was a disaster. no, a fucking disaster. after sf then kb went home, j went to work adn i was home alone. then i woke up sunday and baked some and well pretty much sat a lot. j came home sometime yesterday but that didnt really last. he came home in the middle of the night and now hes at school so im here alone again. but its cool. i guess i need some time to think. my parents will be home from pa soemtime today adn then at 4 i have practice at sw to watch film then were going up to UD to practice on the turf field since we’ll be playing on turf on wednesday for state semi finals. it just sounds so nice to say it. and although im sure, not to sound cocky or anything…, that ill be playing the whole game wednesday it means bc is still gonna be mad. and ill admit that it totally sucks and i would be really pissed off if someone, especially one of my best friends, did it to me. i was out for basically the whole season adn then playoffs roll around and i feel better and so ive been playing. but if im playing it means bc isnt. and she got to play the whole season and i didnt. but what i dont know if she realizes not to be mean but to be real, if i hadnt of been injured she wouldnt have gotten to play like at all all season. so now that its playoffs im not missing a freaking thing. i dont care if i cant walk the next day. this is it.

i am feeling the best i have felt in a really really long time. i think ive been getting better. and i think its probably because ive been doing my exercises like a million times a day. at least, i hope thats it. cuz its working. and considering i just played a whole field hockey game, yeah i did. and i feel okay. and it was a really good game for me. and we just beat perryville. and so now we are onto kent. it hasnt hit me yet that that was a play off game. but i havent felt this good, or been this happy, or been this okay in a really long time. but alls i can say is that its about damn time. i couldnt take it much more. it was just about my breaking point. i even had a few cracks. and they were ugly cracks that just about ruined me. now i think the cracks are filled, but everything is still inside and i dont want it to come out but im so afraid its going to because im so full of everything. i need to yell and scream and run and cry and sprint and drive and hide and leave. but it doesnt really matter cuz i cant. i have to much to do, too many people watching me. watching my grades. watching as my grades are falling, falling, fallen. they are bad. and it sucks cuz the past two weeks were so hard and i couldnt get anything done and now that its all getting better, the marking period is over and im stuck with these bad grades forever. and im getting mad just thinking about it. theres goes my fucking future. but anyway… its been okay. im fine. just fine.

so the 3 day weekend has been great so far. it feels like sunday but its only saturday and i have a  whole nother day so im happy. but then on monday i have to go to the doctor again. but its serious. so i got my mri last tuesday and the doctor called with my results yesterday. its worse then he thought. so he consulted a special back doctor who immediately sent me to A.I. Dupont which is a really fancy, prestigous hospital where i have to see one of the nations best back surgeons. it doesnt mean im getting back surgery, but i have to find out whats wrong and see what i need to do to get better. my parents are like freaking out cuz our insurance wont pay for me to go to A.I. so i might have to go to an in state hospital which would mean like John Hopkins. thats a good hospital. but its all kinda freaking me out. like this is all happening but has anyone asked me how im doing? am i okay? am i scared? what do I want to do? it is me its all happening to. my life is taking a huge turn and i never thought i would go this way so im planning on being lost. prepare for impact.

i dont even want to talk about any of it. for the past month my life has been falling and falling. not into a wishing well. i took a week off of fh and then i got worse so i had to STOP. and i did and ive been getting worse and now its maybe a disc in my back? they dont really know. but i guess thats what the MRI i had today was for. but yeah, so i practiced yesterday and today and i think i might die. if trainer, nadia, my doctor found out i was practicing they might murder me. but i guess its okay if i cant walk, right? i mean, thats what patti thinks… must be right. oh, and shes pregnant. great. but im fucking miserable. i dont know what else to say. it sucks. and as my life slowly, or actually rather rapidly falls apart, here i am.

one week ago it all started. it was only a week and i dont even like remember what happened. i know there were papers, and field hockey, and… i dont even know what else really. going to PT during school is killing me. i never get to stop moving. i go to school, first period, then i got to PT twice a week, and i come back and hritz is dumping me with stuff. then i always get in trouble in french and physics just sucks. and well field hockey, well, field hockey is field hockey. what else do i say? we are going to pay tomorrow at practice. tuesday was bad, bad, bad. and our scrimage today was, ew. but sw got it right when she asked pb not to yell at us when were on the field. and then pb flipped and was like ‘im not freaking out at you. how else am i sposed to get you to do stuff?’ and she was freaking on us for a good 15 minutes. but i was already so late for work. i only ended up being an hour and a half late. it was a rough start, but it ended up okay. now, im home. finally. these 14 hour long days are killing me. and now i have work to do. i hate physics. and hritz, im praying to god youre not there tomorrow. but i swear, its not you, its me.

the first week of school is over. although it was only a three day week, its over. thats good. now next week is only four days. and the week after that is four days too. great. so i guess im playing fh. i mean, im kinda trying to play. but it scuks cuz i practice for like a couple minutes and im basically done. and i have to go to PT twice a week so i go during my free period but thats only like 50 minutes or something so its tight. what a mess. itd be so much easier if i was freaking normal. oh to be able to do normal things… but i like my schedule. its good. hon us history, free period (which 100% is awesome), AP english, french 4, and physics. its all good. im taking it one day at a time. this next week will be the test of me. monday- school, practice, work. wednesday- school, scrimage, and im sposed to work, but i dont see how thats going to work! and this week we’ll be getting like real assignments. crap. but only 32 days til i can get my permit. im so glad its close, but how the hell did it get here so freaking fast. ive been waiting and waiting for that day and what do i know? its almost here. maybe i should start waiting on some other stuff. maybe it will come…

august 14th and its crazy. less than 2 weeks til school starts. its horrible. where was summer. damn you mr morgan. my summer is gone. not to mention today was very near to the top of the worst day of my life. i got told i couldnt play field hockey. why not take away 11 years of my life? nine months out of my year? why not? because as much as i hate going out and killing myself year after year in the august heat and running miles and miles, as miserable as i always am, i would never have given up any of it. its all for those moments. scoring my goal, all county player, my team. what can i do but sit here and cry. cry because i havent cried for god knows how long. cry because its too much. you cant say things like that to me. its plain irrationality. im not saying im as great, but tell michael phelps not to swim. tell the teacher they cant teach. now lets see how they feel.

and who said summer was for being bored, lazy, and never having anything to do? so untrue. work has been, well, controlling all aspects of my life. and cuz ive been working so much my hamstring has gotten so bad. after last weekend when i was on my feet all day at the yardsale, then went to work, then woke up sunday and went to work, i was in the worst shape yet. the pain was so bad. it was so bad. i couldnt sleep, walk, sit, stand, lay down, nothing. so after the one night, i got like maybe 3 hours of sleep all night and i finally let my parents call the dr. they were going to anyway, but i was almost actually willing. i went to the dr, he told me the same damn thing hes already told me twice, that my hamstrings are tight. no shit, they are? i hadnt known. but now im on 2 heavy meds that make it so all i want to is sleep all day and all night and never get up. seriously, i was basically unconscious for 2 days. but then i had to go to work. so i went to work all day and then again at night and i wasnt in pain. wow. therapy was so good and then wiht the medication it was so good. so all day saturday on my feet and no pain, then at night on sunday when the crazy accident happened, and this morning was therapy. Nadia, my PT person, does this awesome thing to my back and it makes all the pain go away. cuz my hamstrings are so tight theyre pulling on another important muscle and then thats pulling on my lower back and that is pulling like my whole spine so my back is really messed up. and trust me, the chiropractor made it so much worse. but Nadia is amazing. but im mad at her right now cuz this mornign i went in and she did the thing to my back and everythign and then she taped my back with this super tape so that if i slouch it pulls me back up. its really annoying cuz i cant bend over or slouch or do anything but sit up straight. and that is making my shoulder blades kill. roar. yet, the problem is getting fixed i guess. at least it is for now. still, no matter how much pain i am in, i know it is nothing compared to the guy whose whole leg got ripped off last night. that is all i can think about. everytime i close my eyes, see motorcycles, think about work, think about driving, its there. and the more i think about it the more it becomes vivid and i can see it so clearly. its so horrible.

So last night was perhaps the craziest night of my life. I don’t know if it always will be, but it definitely is going down in my book for now. I had to go to work and I was actually looking forward to it cuz for once in months I am pain free! But anyway, so I went into work at 5, and it was so busy. All summer Sunday nights are busy and so I showed up and went right to work. For almost 2 hours we were solid busy and then, it was so crazy, so crazy I cant even describe- there was an accident right in front of dairy crème. A guy in a suv was pulling out but there were cars parked all over the shoulder so he couldn’t see, but he pulled out anyway. He didn’t know it, but 2 motorcycles were right there. The motorcycles hit the car dead on. The one guy flew, yes, he flew off of his bike and hit the pavement. The other guy like skidded across the highway. It was so surreal. And then people were rushing everywhere and they were yelling to us to get towels and ice and more and more. Then people liked cleared out of our line of sight and OH MY F-ING GOD, his leg was completely detached! Completely OFF, like lying on the ground not near him. There was like so much blood and it was all running all over the highway. I couldn’t believe that it actually happened. It was crazy. So people were rushing everywhere and it was like I don’t even know. But did you know that 911 doesn’t always pick up? Yeah, they had to dial like 2 times before someone picked up. That is ridiculous. How can that be possible? But after a while all the paramedics and firetrucks and police and ambulances can. Then the helicopters came. And they landed right there on the highway. The little 2 lane highway. Now that, that is some serious precision. The 2 guys got flown out and the thing is, the guy in the car wasn’t hurt at all. He got up, the medics checked him out and then he drove himself to the hospital. But the other guy, his leggot ripped off! And the whole time we were all right there watching. I honestly still cant believe it. But that’s all that keeps running through my head is the guy on the ground looking at his leg and nothing but blood. But before he could even really see people were pushing his back to lay down. And I can picture the leg sitting in the bucket of ice, the bottom slowly turning more and more red. My heart goes out to both of those guys. They were just riding along until BAM, their lives could have ended. The whole goriness and stuff doesn’t freak me out, but it scared the shit out of me to be standing there watching it and know it was real. It wasn’t just a movie take. That guy was really lying there. I don’t know how he was feeling but it wasn’t even me and I was feeling pretty low. its so surreal.

 7 years ago, two days ago was the exact date I crashed on my bike and had to get part of my face reconstructed. 7 years. But I don’t think ill ever forget it.