so here it is: my CBF trip is canceled. believe me when i say i am devastated. devastated, mad, dissapointed. overall, im just pissed. all year long i looked forward to this trip. it is my passion. i loved last year with so much of myself that i feel like… like im dreaming. im dreaming about this. or that CBF will send another email saying ‘just joking! the trip is still on!’ i still keep thinking about it. ill be doing something and then itll remind me of last year trip and i think i cant wait for this year. but the dissapoinment that follows never fails. always always it follows. other people might be sad & mad too, but its not even just that. its all the pain that i am feeling over losing this. unbearable. and im not even in it for the fun.

its fifth of july. my favorite holiday over. a whole nother year to wait. a whole until i feel it. the happiness. that happiness that comes from my favorite holiday. its better than christmas, its been beating my birthday. i love it. i honestly do. i came to rh wednesday, stayed and enjoyed every minute of it until friday night. friday night is fireworks time here and my favorite thing all year. after my trip got canceled i was thinking that things might, just maybe, be getting turned around. but can i catch a break? no. it was windy so they had to low key the fireworks and then they ended after a half an hour. i was pissed. half an hour is nothing. thats how long other people do fireworks. not rock hall. and i missed the finale. my favorite F***ING part of the whole year. and i missed it. why? because a group of harley motorcycles pulled in and just had to, had to they really did, show off. all year i wait to feel it. when its so loud you feel it. you can actually hear it in your heart. i can. but not this year. no. this year i couldnt feel, let alone hear it. i was so infuriated i almost couldnt hold back the tears. almost. and because i had to be to work at 8am i had to leave rh that night. talk about devastation. there were only like 6000 or so, only, in town for the fireworks so my mom and i finally made it out of town at 11:18. and i missed 11:11. 7:30 came entirely too early the next morning and then all day i worked at J&H then night at dairy creme. perfect. when i finally got home, and i have never ever been home on the fourth of july, i couldnt even just sit. people apparently think its cool to set off their own fireworks. i hate those people. so unnecsary. leave it to the professionals. the  most annoying thing… besides harleys of course. sunday 7:30 rolled around again and i was at work, just like i never left. but here i am, back in rh. after telling my mom i needed to come back she took one look at me, saw how bad i looked and next thing i knew my dad was picking me up at the half way point. here i am. just me. the only one on the beach tonight. of course it is cold. for july at least. but here i am. telling my story and yet it doesnt even touch how awful i feel.