So this is it. I belive my last post. I can’t do it anymore. If I have to censor what I want to say, I might as well not say it because I believe it’s not always what you say, but rather how you say it.

My life has drastically changed. I think this blog over time has encompassed the perfection of all of this change. But I feel like because I have changed, I don’t want to ruin what I have recorded here with my new things. So possibly, the end of this line.

When your best friend choses someone else over you even though you always promised each other it’d be the two of you.

When you’re going through physical pain that is so bad it makes you want to scream, but you just know screaming won’t help so you hold it in. But the acidity of the screams just burns away your insides.

When you struggle with something and try harder than you think you can but it still isn’t working.

When you look back and realize that there was so much you didn’t do and say, “Oh, I’ll just have to do it now.” And then something else comes up and you say, “Later”. And then later comes and…

When you do something because you weren’t thinking.

When someone uses you. 

When you keep forgiving that person for hurting you.

When you realize how much you mean to someone, but they don’t realize.

When your future is so near and you live on a whim.

When you try to leave an impact on someone because it’s them you’re helping but they don’t get it.

When you don’t tell someone what you feel.

When it all comes together.

And so Atlas shrugged. The world has fallen. Adieu.

so im sitting here and its the last minutes of my birthday winding down. which is definitely sad. i mean, a whole another year? really? and my ’sweet 16′ gone? i can hardly believe it. but it was a good day. i got a lot of happy birthdays within a hour of it starting. apparently a lot of people wait around for 12:00 exactly… but i woke up, smiling cuz its a great day. i read some atlas. went downstairs, ate some b-fast, opened some presents & cards, got a few phone calls, went to pick jr up, went way down to the beach, shopped a lot, tried on a lot of bad shirts, bought some stuff, went to the ocean, got ice cream, got my feet wet (!), shopped some more, bought some more stuff, got a phone call, got in the car, dropped jr off, and went home. a freaking long day. and then there was cake. mmm, cake. then i got another phone call and a lot of messages. now here i am. so long fifteen! it was fun. i wish i could say we will meet again, but you are as final as death. there is no going back. finality is a scary thing. i can no long be 15; i am now 16. one day, a whole year jump ahead. 15 was fun. lets make 16 the same. heres to you, 16!

cuz when youre fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, youre gonna believe them…

ive been reading a lot of really good books lately. they make my mind race- thats the best kind. actually, thats the best kind of movie. and i found the perfect one. it totally made my jaw drop. like i was sitting watching it saying, ‘oh, my, god’ with my mouth hanging open. it was amazing. and now i want to read the book, but of course the book store i went to didnt have it. you know how that goes. but atonement is simply magnificent. i liked keira knightley before that and shes in pride & prejudice, another complete favorite, but she was excellent. and the girl who played brilony, simply chilling. her mannerism is enough to give me chills. and she is still so young. what a gift. but the plot itself gives me chills. genius. i wish i could come up with something like that. i envy the people who do and then kick myself and think, why couldnt i come up with something like that? but found this movie & i keep thinking about it. its just so smart and passionate and ahhh, everything.

merry christmas, happy new year, happy life. its all here. christmas is over again for a year. it was good. but it still doesnt feel like it. and now 2010 is bearing down on me. ahhhhhhh! thats what i feel like. but its good. 2009 was a… year. it was full of extremes. either great or not. sometimes changing rapidly. but overall, a year i will remember. finally the year i grew up. the year i made things for myself. the year i started to live. this is it. and now im getting really excited for 2010. which is weird. i guess im just ready for another big year. and the only way i get excited for 2010 is if i forget 2009. and im sad about that. ohh. but christmas was good. break is good. its all good.

its practically tuesday. so that means one week. and  counting. but im kind of indefferent to going on break this year. it doesnt really seem to matter to me. christmas is in how many days? like 11? we dont have a tree, i already got like half of my presents, i dont know what were even doing this year. its just that nothing is ever the same. traditions are dead. and i do miss them, but the people who try to hold on to their traditions bother me even more. they wont last forever. your kids grow up, move out, want better things than anything you could ever give them. they want more than gifts. they want their own traditions. they want their own family and they cant have that if theyre still holding onto you. but i do understand traditions. its just that im growing indifferent to it all now. its time to move on. speaking of moving on, so my parents are looking at houses in PA to move to. and well i was going to finish school here. but i dont know. it would be kind of cool to move away. i dont know, but the more i think about it, the more i really want to change things. really, theres not much left here for me. fh went to states. we wont make it back so why am i going to stay around. i dont know, but its all kind of coming together in my head. but whatever, i still have a lot of time to think that whole situation over. who knows what ill do. but yeah, my grades are coming up in school. which is good. very good. and the warriors are looking pretty decent. could this be optimism i sense? no. it couldnt be.

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when i get rid of one thing in my life, another one walks in and then the old one seems to want back. but im already booked i wanna say. cuz truth be told, i honestly am. i have too much going on for these games. since the end of field hockey, i have actually gotten to come home a few times. crazy. ive switched from physical therapy to chiropractor, i jumped a whole letter grade in physics, lost a friend, gotten closer to a friend, and well, the other one is still debatable. its been a long month. but it has been a month and still things arent fixed. is that long enough? on another note, i leave for a cruise in 87 days! and im really excited. 2009 is making a wrap up. a hell of a year its been. good or bad? 2009 is still deciding. only 10 more days til my first tournament with the Warriors, the U-12 team i am working on coaching with lm’s mom. there is hope for these girls. but oh my goodness they still got a ways to go. next practice they will be introduced to the whistle. ha ha ha. but still, it doesnt get old when i get to make them run. ahh, its so nice to be the one doing it and not have to do it. does that make sense? but still, i wish i could run. there is hope for this too. ive been going to the chiropractor the past 4 days and i think i feel better. idk if its all in my mind or if it is just that im naturally improving as i normally do, but i am feeling the slightest bit better. im giving it 6 weeks. then to hell with it all and im going for pain management. if i have to ill live on steriod shots until senior year field hockey is over. cuz it kinda really hurt to look in todays paper at the all county selections and not see my name. i had so much and now its all gone. im going to have to work so hard to get it all back. i earned that sophomore year all county title and then it had to go and be ruined. it makes me mad. uncontrolably mad. i would give anything to change it all. well, maybe not all of it. theres things i would keep. god knows theres not too many of them right now though.

it got a little ugly. yeah, 5-1. good work pocomoke. we were outplayed. but i played a great game. how can i be upset. i just wish that it had actually had time to sink in before it was all over. cuz that was once in a lifetime. and its done. all so quick. this was it.

i just gotta say: IM GOING TO FUCKING STATES!!

i couldnt feel… more excited? worse? estatic? nervous? mad? yeah. i guess all that. and more. well we won state semi-finals. and it was everything i wished for. it was played so recklessly. so awful yet perfect. theres so much to feel; is frustration on top.? i dont know. but people thought i was crying because i thought the season was over. i knew it wasnt. i knew it wasnt. and thats why i was crying. i was crying for everything. and it was so hard. like chelsea told me, she was fine until she looked at my face and i was crying. she said she lost it. i was already so far gone. i cant say why i was crying. it wasnt because i was cold and wet. i would take all of that back in a second. i have to keep this for myself. only i can know. i have to be selfish. especially when other people take so much from me. and this is the happiest time in my life. this is my dream. the one thing i love, what im passionate for, is going somewhere. my passion. what are you passionate about?

and ill take camping back. the outcome made me realize somethings. big things in my life that i dont know if they belong where they are. or were. but whatever. i dont even know where im going but i know where ill be on saturday and you wont fuck one moment of it up for me. ill be the one out there: on the field.

you know, im not gonna let you fuck it all up for me. so go ahead and think you can take it all out on a post. i told you. and i guess you are making your own decision. you dont have to be my fucking friend. it seems you dont want to cuz i told you how to fix it and youre still letting it go. i can go too. because this is my time. if you want to be there for me why arent you?